I’ve been really bad about posting lately.  Everything seems to be dragging me along full-speed ahead lately.  Makes me feel old. 

Brian visited last week & the week before, so I got to see him again.  That’s always nice!  He spent quite a bit of time with his friends in Platteville, but was here at least 4 times over those 8 days.  More than the usual.    His gf drove him to the airport this time, sparing me the 4am wakeup call. 

Work is what’s in high-gear, keeping me busy busy busy.  My Seattle client has a lot of complicated pay rules, and a consultant who is very particular about what he wants to see in the rules summary I’ve been writing and revising for the last 3 weeks.  Hopefully that phase will be over by Wednesday, as we are scheduled to discuss the final draft of the summary in two 3-hour teleconferences next week.  I’ll be glad to get past that, and move on to the fun part: setting up the rules in their database.  I do like the writing stuff, but this guy keeps changing around all the stuff I’ve already written.  The summary is now up to 108 pages, and I don’t want to make more revisions!  blah.  I’ve been working the past 3 weekends, and have more to do today and tomorrow.  I’d really rather shift gears at this point, do something different, like playing with the software, setting up the pay policies.  I like doing that too!

I also love the travel.  I’m heading back to New Mexico in a couple weeks.  Then I have 3 trips to Seattle planned over the next 3 months.  I’m hoping I can cross over with Lee, Greggory’s brother.  I’ve never met his wife and kids.  That will be very interesting.  At least there will be more to do than in New Mexico.  Not a lot to do in a small town.  Last time I was there, I went out to a place called City of Rocks and got a bunch of pictures.  It’s a cool place.  But it seems that’s all there is to do out there, wander further into the desert and look at rocks.  :mrgreen:  hehehehe

Heather got a temp job at api, as Client Services assistant.  She’s answering emails, transcribing voice mails, and soon will be answering the phone too.  It’s not her dream job, but it’s a paycheck and some valuable clerical experience.  She will be starting school again in the fall, at the tech college in West Bend.  She’s been accepted into their Vet. Technician program.  By next January, she will have to be working at an animal hospital/clinic/office, so that’s why the api job is temp.

Mom and dad are doing quite well, after the complications and hospital visits of March and April.  I’ve been going out there about every other weekend, which adds to this feeling of living life in the fast lane.  It’s nice though.  We cleaned up the basement one time, rearranged the office/livingroom another time, and now they have two beds in two bedrooms.  This works out well for mom, who has a hard time sleeping because dad has become a very active sleeper over the years.  It’s probably cuz of all the meds he takes.  It will also work out well for me, if I decide to spend the night some time.  I won’t have to sleep in the basement, or on the livingroom floor any more.  Yay!

Well, it’s time to start BBHS work, then on to that darn summary again.  I guess I’ll work till around noon, then watch the Tennessee/Alabama softball game.  Monica Abbot is supposed to break Cat’s strikeout record today.  Cat will be doing color for the game on ESPN2 at noon CST.  Oh, also, Cat will be appearing in a series of commercials for UnderArmor over the next month or so.  Watch for her!

Laterz… 

Posted: May 5th, 2007 under Other Stuff, Gripes, News.
Comments: none

Two weeks or more on this new drug Effexor.  I think most of the side effects have worn off except the dry mouth stuff.  I’m not sure it’s helping a lot yet.  It has taken the edge off the severe anxiety, thankfully.  Doc says we can increase the dose if the current one doesn’t seem to be very effective.  So now y’all get to watch me try to scramble out of a deep pit of depression.  heh

Brian’s graduation is next week!    I’m so excited about getting him home with me here again, even if only for 10 days.  Heather is going to hang around for the weekend and a couple days into the next week after Bear is back, so it will be GREAT to have them both home again.  I’m concerned about the trip to SD, but also excited about seeing the boy again and watching him become an official full-fledged Marine.  I’m concerned because I know there will be a lot of walking around on Thursday, Family Day.  Friday will be mostly sitting/standing and watching graduation, then making a quick escape to the airport so the kids can catch their 2pm flight. 

I will be seeing Greg again for the first time in over 3 years.  In fact, it will be the first time since January 2002 that all 4 of us will be in the same place at the same time.  I’m a bit nervous about this, but not exactly sure why.  Oh well.  I know it will make Brian extremely happy to see his dad at graduation.  That’s what matters!

Work has been good for the past week.  Busy days as always, but I am in a break-period between clients.  So I get a week to ‘catch up’ and tie up all the loose ends from the SACA client, plus get working on more stuff for MMNC.  I will be going to MMNC (Morehead Memorial Hospital, Eden, North Carolina) the week after Brian goes back to MCRD.  This is their first configuration visit, and I know they won’t be ready.  Plus there is TONS of stuff I have to do to that database, because it shipped before I was ready…  but at least it was at a point where it was ready to ship.  Thankfully.  I have some changes to make to the custom programming rules we’re doing for SACA, so I know that will keep me busy for the first 2 days of next week.  Then it’s off to San Diego!

It is supposed to be roastingly hot this weekend, and even worse on Monday and Tuesday.  I think I will stay in for the next couple days, cleaning and getting ready for company.    Well, except for some grocery shopping, I’ll stay inside.  Now to get myself to exit this bed… and start this day…  that’s so hard to do.  bleah!

I need to procrastinate on that last thought for a bit.  After all, it is ONLY 8:00am.

Posted: July 29th, 2006 under Other Stuff, Gripes.
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I turned the a/c on last night so I could sleep better.  That worked out well.  Shut it off this morning and opened up the windows.  It’s a nice day out there.  I should take pictures of the flowers in my neighbor’s back yard.  They’re pretty…  It drizzled alil bit yesterday evening.  That was nice.  The smell of rain is one of my favorite things.  It cooled things down just a little bit too. 

Not sure what I’m going to do today.  Susan says Laura is in, Mom and Dad are there also, and everybody’s going to a horse show in Arena (other side of Madison) this afternoon.  I spent yesterday doing tons of housework to keep myself sufficiently distracted.  I won’t say it made me feel better but at least I was busy and distracted for most of the day and didn’t feel like sitting around moping and crying.  I still have more to do today, finish up the kitchen, run the vaccuum around, do a little shopping, plus I have a couple hours of work stuff I wanted to do today.  I suppose if I got up before noon I’d be able to accomplish all that.  Maybe I’ll allow myself one hour of lazy time this morning.  Get up and going by 9-ish, and see what I can accomplish today.

My sis sent me a depression-screening webpage.  I took the test and the results were not nice.  So I will seriously talk to my doc about all this.  I have an appointment coming up in about 10 days.  I wonder if I should print that thing out and take it with me.  I guess it couldn’t hurt.  I’ll ask about Paxil or Prozac or something similar.  If this will help improve my performance at work that would be great.  I wonder how much this stupid blue funky mood affects me at work.  I still feel like I’m struggling with things that should be easy for me.  I know I can be good at this job, but live in constant fear that everybody thinks I’m not good enough.  Trying to pinpoint why I’m uneasy working with the team leader - I think it’s because I’m afraid she could influence the right people into terminating me.  Now why does a person start a job thinking they’re not doing a good enough job, and constantly worry about getting fired?  I’m just so afraid the rug is going to get yanked right out from underneath me… and I’ll wind up back at the bottom again.  Back of my brain keeps saying “that’s where  you belong!”  I need to shut up that part of my brain because I worked too hard and far too long to get here. 

Things used to be simple.  When did I become this scary, complicated person?  *SIGH* 

Let’s get back to the pretty, sunny day out there.  Cats are sitting in my windowsills.  They love the sun too.  It’s weird, for as long as I was without cats, now that I have 2, it seems like they’ve always been with me.    I’m a cat person. 

Maybe I’ll take my chair down to the store today.  I haven’t done that yet, although the store is only about 6 blocks away.  Might do me good to sit out there in the sunshine for awhile.  I gotta pick up some groceries, and make a buzz through Kmart too.  I guess if I want to accomplish all this stuff, I better get up and moving!

Here I sit… procrastinating.  But today, only until 9:00! 

Posted: July 9th, 2006 under Gripes.
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It’s weird how it feels like I’m just sittin’ here waiting for something to happen.  Biding my time.  Watching life go by, not stepping into the flow of it…..  Like standing back and seeing things happen from afar.  Sort of wanting to be in there making things happen, sort of not wanting to.  Lately I have not felt like doing much of anything at all.  Even my games, websites, and other computer stuffs seem trivial and uninspiring right now.  TV is boring.  Work is overwhelming.  Maybe I need some good drugs to adjust my attitude.  Or a good smack upside the head?  I dunno.

I went to visit my folks yesterday.  Heather came along.  We went to Gurnee Mills mall and walked around.  I totally enjoyed that… Went to mom’s to work on a budget for her and then had dinner with ‘em.  That was nice too.  Weird tho, because the whole time before leaving this morning, all I wanted to do was think of ways to get out of going. 

I just don’t feel like doing anything lately.  I think I’m depressed.  I don’t wanna read the paper or my magazines, I don’t wanna cook dinner or do the dishes… I let laundry pile up for 2 weeks and run out of sox and undies…  I don’t wanna watch much tv any more…  it’s beginning to bother me.  I think I’d rather just stay home all the time.

I’ve done that before though, too.  I hated it.  I remember the 7 months from when I first got here (in WI) to when school started.  Feeling like I had days and days on end where nothing happened, nothing changed, everything stayed the same.  I also remember drinking a lot of wine.

I remember the time between Lands’ End and api Software, Inc.  Sitting in bed every single day, sometimes all day until Brian came home from school.  Job hunting sucked. After a while, I didn’t even want to bother with Terry and resumes and interviews etc.

Maybe I just got too much on my plate. 

Somewhere I heard that the worst things in life to adjust to are   1. Moving;  2. Getting married or divorced;  3. Starting a new job.  I’ll add to that list - 4. Child leaving the nest/home/town/state; and   5. Menopause.

So in the past 4 years I have moved twice, left my life partner, took the kids away from him, started school, finished school, watched 2 kids go off to live their own lives (still NOT used to it!), started a new job twice, begun life as an empty-nester single-mom person, and continue to fumble my way through hot flashes and night sweats.  bleah!  In that time I have built a life that is comfortable, got a college degree, got a job I like, got off welfare, disability, and all the rest of those trappings, launched 2 great kids into the world, …….. 

A lot of things going on in my life, a lot of big changes, a lot of good things coming out of it all…  so why do I still feel like BLAH.  I don’t wanna do anything.

I can’t wait for Brian to come back and visit.  But on the other hand, I don’t want to deal with him leaving again, and this time for good!  Marine Combat Training, then right off to technical training in Pensacola FL.  So I get 10 days with him, then it’s off for who knows how long.  I might not even see him at holiday time this year.

Ok so whats up with all the whining anyway.  I had a nice day, night, and next day with my daughter.  {{{heather}}}  I think I’m just hoping I will get some perspective on the sucky situation my life is in or not in, if I read about it, words right there in front of my face.  Maybe I’ll see more or less or something good or bad or who knows.

Either that or I’ll just sit here and wait.  For what, I’m not sure.

Posted: July 4th, 2006 under Gripes.
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Sigh… My computer at work died today. I struggled with Shift Differential examples for most of the day. I find out my son is writing his girlfriend but not me. No, it wasn’t a “better” day today. It’s hard working from a computer that isn’t mine!

Here’s a picture I took a few weeks ago with my spiffy Nikon camera, when it was pouring rain and my windows were leaking:

I thought it looked sorta cool. I picked up the pictures today when I was at Walgreen’s trying to refill my Prilosec prescription. I gotta go back for that tomorrow. Their computer was down and they couldn’t figure out how to bill my secondary insurance without it. Damn good thing I didn’t NEED it today.

Why do boys treat their mothers like they do anyway? Ok I just have to shake this off. He doesn’t hate me, right? *sigh*

Posted: May 23rd, 2006 under Photographs, Gripes.
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I wanted Friday to end. Glad it’s finally over. Gotta psyche myself up for the next week.

What a weird dream I had this morning. I don’t remember much of it except the part right before I woke up. I was trying to maneuver my chair around some tables like in the cafeteria at work. Then somehow I fell out of the chair and landed in this jumble of stuff, not sure exactly what it was. All these people were trying to pull me back up and get me back in my chair. With their help, I finally got back up on my feet and turned around so I could sit back down, and my chair was gone. I was calling to my kids to get my chair back here, but they weren’t even in the dream.

I’m sure there’s a meaning in that dream but I don’t really care to know what. It was just a weird dream.

This week was pretty rough as far as learning/training goes. Personally, too. The kids got here on Sunday, which was really nice. We did our taxes. We were going to have a nice home-cooked dinner too. But I sorta screwed that up. I didn’t feel well at all, queasy and headachey. I couldn’t even stand the smell of food. Made me very sad, but I had to tell them that I couldn’t make dinner that night. They were both ok with that though. They stopped off for some chicken sandwiches at Popeye’s before they came out so neither of them were very hungry. Still, it was really nice to spend time with both of them. Brian did his laundry, and then around 7:30 that evening they were both on their way again.

The queasy feeling continued on. I spent a lot of that night feeling like I would hurl. I got up Monday morning not feeling much better. Went in to work anyway, stayed for about an hour, and left to come back home and go to bed. I felt better Tuesday but still had no appetite, still felt headachey and tired. Tuesday was brutal as far as training goes. I’m catching on to some stuff, but other stuff… well… Seems the lady who is trying to train me (boy I feel bad for her) asks me questions about the stuff I don’t know. **grumble** I left work that day feeling like a total failure. So that explains the post from Tuesday.

Wednesday was OK, Thursday was even a bit better. Then Friday hits. I was doing somewhat ok until the end of the teleconference. Then the trainer-lady (department team leader) starts asking me questions again. She seems unhappy that I don’t have a notebook full of notes and questions. She doesn’t comprehend my notion that I will ask questions when I know what to ask. She keeps telling me to write things down, which I do. I have issues with note-taking already, so this makes me feel like I’m incompetent. Then she reminds me that I’m not supposed to ask questions more than twice, in fact, once is enough! Ok so this is what I hear: Why aren’t you asking questions? Remember, you’re not supposed to ask the same question more than twice! Well they’ve poured a mountain of information on me and I’m drowning in it, trying to sort/sift/classify all of it. I don’t want to hate my job, I spent too many years in a job I hated already. But if I don’t start getting it soon, I fear they will hand me my walking papers. Well if that happens, at least I will know for sure that it was a big fat ugly mistake I made.

The trainer-lady is a really nice, smart young woman. I feel bad that she is the one who has to try to deal with me. I bet she thinks “how the hell did this one make it in?” I really hope this company will allow me the time to learn. I want this to work out… I really really don’t want it to be the wrong decision. I put too many years into getting to this point already.

I brought my work-laptop home with me so I could try to go over these rules and a bunch of other stuff I have on my hard drive. I sat there for an hour last nite, but things didn’t look any different at home than they do at work. Still confusing, and I can’t even put into words why. I’ll have another go at it today. I’ll try to work on that summary, too. That might help.

We had a huge snow storm here Thursday, nearly a foot of snow. We even got sent home from work early. I was in the middle of a tcon though, so we had to set it up to finish from home. That was interesting. Especially since an hour into the conference my speaker phone died. I had to scramble for another phone, then hold it to my ear for the next 2.5 hours. My elbow was SOOO sore after that! Hard to take notes too. I made it through tho.

Now it’s brutally cold outside. -16 degrees at this moment. I have to get out to the store and bank and Walgreens, too. So I’ll have to brave the arctic weather before the bank closes at noon. I’m not looking forward to that. Not sure what else I’ll do this weekend. I wanted to get loaded, even chilled a bottle of wine. But that will just make everything seem worse, I bet. So the wine sits in the fridge, untouched. Ahh well, that’s probably the right thing to do anyway. I don’t need any self-inflicted depression.

So there’s this week’s essay. It’s sunny today so maybe some sunshine will brighten my mood. I’ll give it a try. Susan called this phase “the painful learning curve.” Painful indeed. But I’ve been through worse. In fact, that’s why I am here. I got tired of “worse”. I moved on.

Time to drink coffee and read the paper.

laterz………………….

Posted: February 18th, 2006 under Other Stuff, Gripes.
Comments: none

It was a difficult day at work today. I think mostly because I feel like I’m too slow to catch on to things. I wonder if the lack of sunshine is affecting me too. Some days I feel like it’s great that I finally got my life going in some positive direction… then there’s days where I wonder if it was a mistake. Today was one of those days - wondering if this is all a mistake, a big huge ugly mistake. I find myself wishing for the days when I had my kids with me, I had a non-challenging (and poor-paying) job, and my days seemed the same from one to the next. When I felt depressed like this, I’d get the kids to sit with me and we’d talk, read, play board games, play card games, anything to distract my mind. So now I wish for the ability to transport myself back in time, even just for a little while. Weird though because overall I wasn’t too terribly happy back then. Maybe it’s one of those “the grass always seems greener” things. One thing I know, having dogs, cats, and especially my kids around, there was always a warm body to hug, or talk to. I think that’s what I miss. I think I’m also feeling a heaping dose of homesickness. Lots of stuff changed for me this past month. Leaving Platteville behind, my son, the life I worked so hard to rebuild… sigh…

Well just getting it out of my head helps, I guess. I’ll keep nose to grindstone, keep plugging away at trying to comprehend the whole big picture of LaborWorkx and Payrollmation at work. I have to get this down to a routine, so I don’t forget any details. There’s just SO much involved… it does get overwhelming. For the most part I think I’ve just felt frustrated. Today, it was overwhelming. I came home and stared at my birds (wishing I could hug them) and cried for 10 minutes. I have worked so hard to get to this point, giving up is not an option. I wish there was some way of getting feedback on how I’m doing at work. Right now all I can think is that I’m not doing as well as I should be…

I remember a card I got for graduation, from Jackie, Jennifer and Pete in the Marketing Dept. at Southwest Tech where I did my work/study job. Pete’s sentiment to me was “No more self-doubt, from here on out!” Gawd I try to keep that in my head, but days like today… well I’m overflowing with self-doubt at this moment.

This post really seems to make no sense, have no flow and I’m not even gonna proofread it. Instead, I’m gonna watch this Westminster Dog Show that’s on tv right now. Distraction works good. I’ll also keep searching for that time machine. It might be nice to escape reality every now and then.

Posted: February 14th, 2006 under Gripes.
Comments: none

Sunday morning. I’m up before sunrise but guess what. No sunrise because it’s cloudy. Sure seems like we’ve spent nearly the entire fall/winter seasons under clouds. It adds to depression. *sigh* No, I’m not really depressed, too much going on in my life for that. But I know some folks who do go through it every winter, and this winter is a bad one. I think the snow looks pretty when I’m watching it through my windows. Now that I have a garage, I like it just fine because I don’t have to scoop and sweep off snow, then chip off ice every time I go down to my van.

I cleaned up my garage yesterday. Rearranged the empty boxes, made space for my freezer. Gonna put it out there today hopefully, if Brian actually makes it out this time. He couldn’t get here last weekend cuz he had to work late. Both kids want to get their taxes done, so that will be today’s goal. If Heather shows up by noon, we’ll have one more goal: find a mall! I have directions to one near Milwaukee, about 40 minutes away from here. 160 stores, including Williams-Sonoma. I will try to restrain myself. hehe

I hope they both stay for dinner, too. I know the boy is missing home-cooked food. He told me himself. I made a pot of beef stew last nite, I’ll send him home with the leftovers. Not sure what we’ll make for dinner tonight yet. Heather and I can pick up something at the grocery store.

Anyway… time for coffee and the paper again. Ain’t weekends great?

Posted: February 12th, 2006 under Other Stuff, Gripes.
Comments: none

It’s a grey foggy drippy wet dreary morning out there. I took a couple pictures of the fog but they were sort of boring. So I put ‘em in photoshop and came up with these 2 pictures:

It’s been a cold and wet week for the last part of the week. Warmer but wet too. Snow is melting. Work is being OK. I think I will eventually get the hang of it, get a grasp on what the scope of my job is. Seems there will be a lot for me to do. That’s good though. Makes the days go by faster. I might be heading down to Georgia at the end of February. Go through my first “C1″ visit with another analyst and her client. We (config. analysts) generally speaking make 2 visits to the client’s facility. First one is called the C1, second, the C2. It makes me a bit nervous/anxious, but I know that eventually I’ll be good at this.

I broke a tooth last weekend. It was already cracked, so it didn’t take much to actually break it. One moment it was there, next moment it was gone. Anyway that put me in a dilemma. No dental insurance till after 5/1/06. Do I go to a dentist, or do I try to make do until 5/1? I know the hole in my tooth is fairly large. *sigh* So I dig around in the phone book till I find a near-by dentist. On Monday I call to make an appointment. They squeeze me in that afternoon. But can’t do a filling. Yet.

This dentist believes in medicating folks with “heart conditions” prior to dental treatment. And because I’ve been told many times in the past that I have a “small” “insignificant” “tiny little whoosh” heart murmur, It makes a difference. So the dentist gave me a Rx for amoxicillin and set me up for another visit on Friday. Now not only do I have to put this off, but I have to get a form signed by my doctor (which I don’t have yet) saying whether or not I need to be medicated prior to dental treatments that may cause bleeding. Well at least they said I could put off the form for now, but have to get it done before I come back in May for a routine cleaning/xray etc.

So and anyway… I went back Friday, all full of antibiotics. They gave me 2 big numb-shots and within the hour they were done filling my tooth up. The dentist seems to think I won’t need a crown especially seeing as how I grind so mercilessly… We’ll see how long this filling stays in. It’s silver, if that makes any difference. I’ll go back in May after my dental insurance picks up. At that point I can decide whether or not to mess with that tooth again, if the filling is staying put. I’m also scheduled to visit their TMJ specialist/dentist. I wonder if that will help at all.

This weekend I’m spending at home, taking it easy and sorting thru stuff slowly but surely. Maybe I’ll work on the boxes of books today. We’ll see how much energy I have. Tomorrow starts another work week. Soon I should be getting my first paycheck. I’m really really looking forward to that!

Laterz…

Posted: January 29th, 2006 under Photographs, Other Stuff, Gripes, News.
Comments: none

Here’s a darn cute picture of Heather and Ziggy. We were getting ready to put her into the cat carrier for the drive from Platteville to Hartford when she decided she liked the view from the top best.

Heather stayed with me from Sunday until Wednesday. The movers packed everything up Monday but by the time they were done, the fog was rolling in and the sky was threatening to drop freezing rain on us. So I wound up staying in a hotel in Hartford for Monday night. Heather kept me company. That was so nice. I appreciated not having to sit there alone all night. She stayed all day Tuesday as the movers brought in all my things. In fact, I think she unpacked the entire kitchen! By the time we called it a day it was dark, foggy, and again threatening to start rain/freezing raining. I convinced her to stay one more nite. We had a nice breakfast in the morning then she went back home. I’m sure her kitty missed her!

Mom and dad are coming over today, and will spend the night. I’ll put them to work helping me get things organized.

Oh, and the big news is: Heather got accepted into UW Madison!!! Hooray hooray! I know she got discouraged a few times, and I suspect she even considered giving up on her quest to be accepted. But I’m glad she stuck with it, very proud of her for keeping on top of everything and thrilled at her being accepted!!! She should start classes around 1/17.

Ok I’m takin another pain pill and going back to bed. I hurt so much, even my toes hurt. Bleah :cry:
buh bye

Posted: January 6th, 2006 under Photographs, Gripes, News.
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